It's been a good day today. I've been a bit of a ditsy blonde today, but that's OK. I can laugh at myself. In fact I have already written this entry once and lost it, so I don't think this is as entertaining as the original one, but hopefully it will raise a smile somewhere!
It started when my new car was delivered and I ended up having to call my OH to find out where reverse gear was! The delivery guy had given me the 'briefing', but I can honestly say I can't remember any of it and none of it was useful sadly. I finally plucked up enough courage to drive it (and by that I mean move it 200m to a better parking space) after lunch. The parking 'space' was so large you would really just call it the street, generally. However, I couldn't find reverse, so every time I attempted to go backwards to straighten up, I went forwards. Until eventually I was about 1cm from the bumper of a rather nice BMW and I was starting to panic - one more false move and it could be all over before the car has done 20 miles! Our street is very busy during the day with builders and workman and our neighbour was sat at the window at her computer, so I literally felt like the whole world was watching me trying to park this car. I thought 'that serves you right for being so flash with your brand new Audi, you should've got an old banger and been happy with that.' There I was trying to work out what would be less embarrassing - asking one of the builders or a neighbour to help me park the car or to call my OH. Or perhaps I could get away with just leaving it?
Anyway I called my other half and he burst out laughing, but that was OK because I did too. Although I was concerned now that it would be just my luck that a police officer would drive by and arrest me for using my phone in the car! So apparently reverse is push down and all the way over. About the only combination I hadn't tried. I mean it's ridiculous, why is reverse just not in the same place in every car?! And don't even get me started about the handbrake... It's a button - what! Why? (But I actually love it).
I should explain at this point that I have never really been a huge fan of driving. I had 4 driving instructors (or was it 5), I used to HIDE from them and beg my Mum to tell them I wasn't there, I even sold my first car (a v cute mini) because I hated driving so much. I used to have to wear vest tops in December because of the profuse sweating that ensued whenever I got behind the wheel. It's only really since I had 2 years driving my lovely (beat up) Astra, which was the first car I bought myself and more recently 3 years of driving the Focus, that I can actually get in a vehicle and drive without the histrionics and drama. So getting a new car is quite scary for me. I have test driven the Audi before, but it was about 8 months ago. I just don't understand how people (and it's usually boys in my experience) just get in cars and drive them. What! They're all so different. Anyway, surely it's just about the 4-rings and the colour? OK I know, I deserved it for that comment alone.
I just care/d so much what people think/thought of my driving. It's like I have to be the world's best driver from day zero, otherwise I have no interest in ever driving again. And to be honest it's like that with everything in my life. Hence the reason that I didn't really play any sport at school (that and I was genuinely rubbish).Yes, I know I am sick in the head... actually it's funny you should mention that. I have got a bit better with age, but I'll always revert to type occasionally.
Anyway, the car is great and I'm really lucky. I can't wait to take it out later!
However it did get me thinking. These events would probably have left me in tears or at the very least a total tantrum, if it had happened last week, given my less than positive mood the last few days. But today I've practically felt like my old self again. The self before I was defined by the diagnoses. And I don't think it's a coincidence that I listened to my 'Positive Thinking' app before bed last night. It was recommended to me by my SIL and they do say listen to it every night for 2-3 weeks, so I was quite surprised when I woke feeling so positive this morning and it's built throughout the day. I've used the Deep Sleep one by the same guy before and when I remember to use it, it does seem to help. I don't remember a lot from what it said - just that I put it on, muttered a few things and then I was in a deep sleep and I felt great this morning. I don't care if it is placebo.
My Mum popped over earlier and even when we talked through the procedure and the logistics of when I needed her to come and look after me etc (when the OH goes back to work) - it didn't get me down or freaked out. I just feel like I have some of my resilience back, which is nice (understatement). I think when you feel low like that, you can't even find any imagination to come up with ideas to get yourself out of it. My normal response would be to go for a run, but I'm not allowed to do that until after the surgery. But it feels like I do have another answer. I do meditate quite a lot anyway, but I think I just forgot that actually all the tools I need to get through this are within me. People get through worse situations after all. There's also one other app which I got a few weeks ago and it's called 'Healing' so I intend to use that one when I come out of hospital. Maybe there is something in this Positive Thinking milarkey!
I've got through quite a lot of work today and had a couple of successful conference calls earlier, so overall quite productive. An early start tomorrow (to ensure the least number of other drivers are on the road of course) and a busy week too.
The next couple of weeks are really busy for us actually seeing friends and family before the op, which is great. We have my brother and his lovely gf coming over tomorrow night and I'm planning to make Shepherd's Pie. His gf is a brilliant cook, so I will feel the pressure and probably screw something up... I mean it will be a delicious meal (see positive thinking), but I have to remember that they're coming to see us, not judge my culinary skills. Plus it's not 'Masterchef', Sarah, get a grip.
Right I'm off to 'Fire up the Quattro!'
S x
P.S. Thank you for all the messages of support and the 2 people that have joined this site!!
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