Sunday Blues

So last week was crazy busy both at work and at home and as a result I've been rubbish at keeping this up to date. I started to write an entry yesterday and it was about more positive feelings and events, but I ended up having to go out half way through and in a moment of severe self-doubt decided what I had written was a load of old shit. So it got deleted.

I've been feeling guilty that my blogs haven't been more up beat, they are hardly an inspiration to anyone newly diagnosed as they currently stand; I actually don't know who would find them interesting to read, but I have to be honest about how I am feeling. Hey, even if no-one reads them, they are helpful to me!

I've been feeling very panicky again, generally unable to cope with life and exhausted. Maybe I'll start by recapping the good stuff from the last few days and it will pick me up. If not, I'm going to call it a day and go to bed.

Thursday was a good day - I went shopping with my Mum after work to get a few clothes for the winter. I will clearly live in slobs for most of Nov and Dec, but when I come to go back to work (hopefully Jan) I won't have anything to wear and there is no way I'd tackle the Jan sales feeling 100% so I wouldn't dream of doing it post op. I got a few nice Clinique bits as well - I doubt I'm going to feel like / be able to do the full cleanse, tone, moisturise routine but maybe my Mum will do it for me. I bought some body lotion and hand cream as well cos your skin gets so dry in hospital - again a job for my Mum or OH. (I haven't told him yet - something for him to look forward to!)

Friday night we went to the OH's cousin's house for his wife's bday (check out all those correctly placed apostrophes little bro?!) - they cooked for 18 people which was very impressive. We had a very civilised evening as we didn't really feel up for partying, but I was really glad that we went and we met some really nice people and I didn't have to talk about the op, which was actually a godsend.

Saturday day we went and 'got organised' - we got some keys cut for family members that need to be able to pop in when I'm back and we got some bday cards and presents for people that will have birthdays while I'm poorly. It was overall a pretty successful trip. I freaked out round the shops a bit - it was all just too much. I can't explain why - I just get these waves of panic. They come on really suddenly and I feel like I'm going to burst. I had to go and sit down out of the way and sip water. The OH bought me some rescue remedy which I find really useful too. I suppose it's only natural but I'm used to being very in control of my feelings and my life.

After shopping, we then went to meet a fellow Chiari sufferer that I met online, for a coffee. It was brilliant. Just to speak to someone else with the same illness was great - I suddenly didn't feel so alone. Previously I'd felt like the only one, a total weirdo, with some freak illness. Anyway she was a very positive person and that rubbed off on me. A few weeks ago, she had met someone else with the illness that had seen the same surgeon as I'm seeing and she was 9 weeks post op. On the whole, she had apparently had a complication-free recovery, apart from sickness. So that was good to hear.

My top fears around the op at the moment are:
- The brain surgery generally (and the serious possible complications - meningitis, coma, paralysis, death)
- Getting the sickness (if they disturb the 'vomit centre' which is an area in the brain close to where they are operating, then this can add around 4 weeks to your recovery)
- Being catherterised (sp!) (they say that will be 3-5 days - until you can get up and take yourself to the toilet basically)
- Bed baths (again for 3-5 days depending on how quickly you recover)
- Being hooked up to lots of machines
- The 'drain' which is a tube connected to your brain/head under the skin (I believe it acts like an overflow pipe if there's any problems with the new CS flow)
- My family being really upset at seeing me in intensive care
- Not being able to communicate
- Waking up during the op (as I will be face down on the bed - how will they know! Yes, I know rationally that they'll monitor my heart beat!)
- Not being able to eat / my wheat allergy
- The part-head shaving thing
- Staples / big scar / stitches
- The pain
- Having to be on morphine again

Actually, that's quite a lot. Hang on, I've majorly digressed from the positive things that have happened this week!

Sat evening we went to my parents for dinner which was really nice. Today we went to lunch with close friends and although I don't think I was particularly good company, it was great to see them and get lots of hugs which were much needed. This evening I caught up with X Factor and Strictly which took my mind off things for a few hours, for which I was really grateful for. I cannot believe how DARK it is now the clocks have gone back (or is it forward - I don't get it, just leave them damn well alone) - I was ready to go to bed at 5.30pm - I thought it was about midnight!

Well accounting my most recent happenings have done nothing to lift my mood. I am basically a grumpy shit today. Therefore I am going to head off to bed soon. I have had enough of today really. I'm about halfway through a Martina Cole novel - so I'll try and get engrossed in that, then stick on one of my meditation apps and pray this mood has shifted tomorrow.

I was thinking my life has been pretty mad over the last few years: 2009 I got married, 2010 I ran the London marathon and in 2011 I am having brain surgery. Not to mention I had Endometriosis surgery in Feb this year too. But I don't like to moan! Two ops in a year - seriously!? But I have to remind myself that there are people a lot worse off than. me. Obviously there have been other things going on, but they are some high / low lights. On that note, I really am going to bed now. Hang on...

I would like to finish on this - if I hear ONE more thing about effing ZUMBA, I will scream. I don't know why it winds me up, but it does. There was a demo in the shopping centre we went to on Sat, I've just seen an ad about it on the TV, it's everywhere and has been for months. Maybe it's the over-cheerful cheering when I feel like punching everyone in the face or perhaps (and more likely) it's because I am hugely jealous that a) they can do exercise and I'm not allowed at the moment b) that they are co-ordinated enough to do Zumba which I am not.

Right. Bed.

S x